On My Mind
by StarlightLegend
Summary: Sherlock's mental state has declined since John married. He's having much more emotion than he can handle.
1. Chapter 1

On My Mind

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I'm American, so sorry in advance if there's any language differences from American English v British English.

Sherlock stared up at the ceiling in his bedroom, his mind drawing a blank. _How pathetic._ He thought. _My mind is always thinking about something._ He wasn't sure how to feel. Or what was normal. But he did know one thing.

He felt broken.

He wasn't used to feeling this way. He wasn't sure he had ever felt this way before. But nothing could change his mood right now, as it was rather gloomy and Janine was still at work. Sherlock flipped onto his side, grumbling. _Janine could never improve my mood right now anyways._ Sighing, he sat up, running a hand through his thick, curly hair. He stood abruptly and stormed out, trudging up to John's old room.

It's emptiness was unsettling. The way the light filtered in through the slightly cloudy window cast eerie shadows from the lamp and the bedposts. Only the furniture had remained in the room. There was a bit of dust gathering on the desk and the dresser. Sherlock ran his hand across both, sweeping the dust away. He fell face-first onto the bed, breathing into the pillow.

He could still smell it.

John's familiar scent lingered on the pillow. Sherlock clutched it greedily, burying his face into it even more. He had never felt this way before and now it was tearing him apart. He didn't know this odd feeling that welled up in his chest whenever he was around John or whenever he was in John's part of the flat... He breathed heavily into the pillow. He let his eyes slide shut.

Sherlock didn't realize he had started crying. He usually didn't cry due to emotion. But yet here he was, Sherlock Holmes, one of the most intelligent men in the universe, the world's only consulting detective- crying like a teenage girl over a man he couldn't have. Is that what this was about? Sherlock wasn't sure anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Sherlock had been wandering aimlessly for hours by now. He couldn't take his mind off about how he felt about John. John was but a friend, that's all. Or so Sherlock thought. He sighed, sitting down with his laptop and his phone in hand. He checked John's blog for the second time today. No updates since the wedding, which was not long ago. Sherlock's eyes flicked to the corner of the screen. Five o'clock in the afternoon. Janine should be coming soon. Sherlock silently hoped she would take John off his mind.

When Janine had returned to 221B, Sherlock had resolved to taking a cold shower to wake himself up, resulting in a high-pitched yelp that Janine heard as she entered the flat. "Sherly?!" She rushed into the bathroom, dropping her things on the floor. "Sherly, what's going on?" Sherlock abruptly turned off the water, shivering and soaking wet, and proceeded to throw a towel over his broad shoulders. "Nothing. Just a bit off today." Janine rolled her eyes, laughing, "Quite so if you forgot to turn the water to hot!" Sherlock threw her a look and blushed. If only she knew... but she can't.

Janine dried Sherlock off and lead him to the bedroom. "Well isn't it convenient that you're already undressed." She giggles, pulling off her sweater, "Unfortunately, we're going out tonight." She winks and pokes Sherlock on the tip of his nose. Janine changed into a knee-length pink dress and a matching cardigan. She threw a pair of undershorts to Sherlock, along with his purple button-down and a pair of his usual slacks.

Sherlock froze when he saw who they were going out to dinner with. John and Mary stood in the vestibule of the restaurant. Janine smiled warmly and greeted Mary. John glanced at Sherlock briefly and looked away. "H-hello, John." Sherlock squeaked, his voice cracking. John nodded at him, not quite looking at him in the eyes. emIs John...blushing?/em Sherlock thought as he observed John, who was, in fact, blushing. Mary took one glance at the two men and took Janine inside, winking at Sherlock as she left. John cringed as the door closed behind the girls, and he turned to leave. Sherlock tugged at John's shirt cuff. "Wait."

John turned around, still avoiding Sherlock's eyes. "John... don't go yet." Sherlock's voice was tight and urgent. John continued to avoid looking at him. "Wh-what do you want...?" John almost sounded scared to speak. "Can I... talk you tomorrow...? Back in the flat. Um... Is 5 good?" John nodded hastily and walked inside, Sherlock following close behind. The night had consisted of hushed gossip between the girls and stolen looks between the men

Sherlock groaned, flopping down onto his bed after a much needed shower full of brooding. He yelled into his pillow. He was stressing out and couldn't get John out of his thoughts. At least he could talk to him about it tomorrow.

Janine had slipped into the bedroom and fell asleep quickly next to Sherlock, tucked under the covers. He listened calmly to Janine's even breathing, eventually falling asleep too.


	3. Chapter 3

_Short Chapter, sorry..._

The next day, Sherlock did nothing but pace back and forth around the flat, brooding over what he'd say to John. He still felt very nervous and a bit anxious to see if John would actually come.

When lunchtime rolled around, Mrs. Hudson popped upstairs with a tray with two sandwiches on it. "You might as well eat, Sherlock. You've been doing nothing but pacing... I could hear you from downstairs. You've been thinking about something but I know you haven't got a case. You can tell me if you want." She said calmly, setting the tray in front of Sherlock. Sherlock grunted, his eyes gazing towards the floor. "It's about... John..." He mumbled. "Ah, I see how it is. You should ask how he feels, Sherlock. Maybe that will help." Mrs. Hudson smiled, patting Sherlock's hand. Sherlock blushed. "How...?" "I've always known, dear. I've seen the way you two act." Mrs. Hudson giggled and winked at him. Sherlock cleared his throat. "Err... thanks, Mrs. Hudson..." Mrs. Hudson smiled and went back downstairs. Sherlock bit into a sandwich.

After lunch, Sherlock returned the tray and decided to go sleep. He had nothing better to do. He flopped down onto John's bed upstairs, sighing into the sheets. Turning his head to the side, he fell into a deep sleep, dreaming about John.


	4. Chapter 4

_Trigger warning for this chapter! _

A knock at the doorway startled Sherlock, waking him up. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he glanced at the clock on the wall. '5:00 pm' it read. Sherlock's eyes widened. "Hello, Sherlock." John's voice sounded behind Sherlock. Sherlock flinched, speaking softly, "H-hello, J-John..."

A warm hand found Sherlock's back. A high-pitched 'Eep!' slipped out from Sherlock's mouth. Suddenly John was by his side, slightly laying on top of him. Sherlock froze. "What's wrong?" John asked, his hand running small circles around Sherlock's back. "N-nothing it's just, um, I..." His words trailed off. Sherlock subconsciously nuzzled John's throat, his lips brushing it slightly, and his eyes slowly sliding shut. John made a weird noise, his hand stopping in the middle of Sherlock's back. "Sherlock... What are you...?" Sherlock pulled the collar of John's jumper aside and ran his tongue along John's throat, moaning. "Sherlo—nnnngh..." John's words cut off into a rather strange moan. "Sherlock, what..."

Sherlock's breath had become labored, his mind slowly shutting down. "John... John..." He panted, hungrily biting and bruising John's throat. John squirmed underneath him. "S...top... Stop... Sherlock-!" Sherlock glanced at John, his eyes glassy. John gasped a bit. "Sherlock, what are you doing to me...? I thought you just wanted to talk... If I had known you wanted to do this, I would have brought something..." "Bedside drawer. It's still there." Sherlock grunted forcefully, tugging at John's jumper. "Off." He ordered.

John stared at him firmly. "No, Sherlock. Come on, snap out of it, I still want to talk to you anyways." Sherlock looked frustrated. "John..." He grunted, irritated. John poked Sherlock's face repeatedly. "Hey stop tha-" Sherlock suddenly became aware of what he had been doing. He jolted back, falling off the bed. "J-John?! Oof! I didn't-! I never-!" Sherlock stammered. John glanced over the side of the bed. "It's... okay, I guess. You were still... kind of dazed. Um..." He mumbled. Sherlock sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "OHMYGOD SHERLOCK!" John shouted, his eyes going bug-eyed. "Sherlock, you're bleeding!" Sherlock looks at his hand. It was stained red with blood. He wasn't bleeding profusely, but bleeding a fair amount nonetheless.

"What?" Sherlock looked at the floor behind him. There was a blade on the floor. He paled. The blade had a fair amount of dried blood on the edge. "Sherlock, what's that doing there?!" Sherlock wouldn't respond. He refused to glance at his arms. He had been cutting himself because cocaine hadn't been enough to distract him lately. "I'm... not sure..." He mumbled, his eyes not moving away from the blade. He swept it under the bed. His head was starting to hurt. John crawled off the bed and pulled the blade out from underneath. " Sherlock, seriously! Is this part of a case or something?!" He sounded worried. Sherlock refused to look at him. "It's nothing John..." "It's something! Sherlock, why won't you tell me?" He was starting to sound panicked. Sherlock swayed. "I... nnn... Can I just...?" John patted Sherlock's face a few times. "Oh no, Sherlock. Stay awake. Come on, up you go." John pulled Sherlock to his feet a slipped the blade in his pocket, leading Sherlock downstairs, calling an ambulance on his phone while he was at it.

Five minutes later, Sherlock was getting treated for his wound. John took the blade out of his pocket, handing it to a nurse. "Can you find out if this is his blood on the blade?" He asked, jumping into the back of the ambulance after her. "Will do, sir." She replied curtly.

During the quick ride to the hospital, John held Sherlock's hand. The other man was near unconscious. "John... what's going on...?" He asked uncertainly. "Ambulance. You're hurt." John replied. "No, I can't go to the hospital..." His voice trailed off as he waved again towards passing out. John lightly slapped Sherlock's face. "John?" Sherlock mumbled when he opened his eyes again. John smiled down at his friend. "You're going to be all right. You just lost a little too much blood." "John, you didn't..." Sherlock glanced down at his arms. John looked questioningly at Sherlock, pulling up the sleeves, revealing the multitude of cuts and scars. John was speechless. "Sherlock what is...?" Sherlock looked away. "I won't..." John groaned. "Sherlock, come on! Tell me! When did you get hurt like this?!" Sherlock shook his head.


	5. Chapter 5

_Not sure if this will be the end... I haven't written any more and I'm not exactly planning to... _

Sherlock awoke with a start. He was in the hospital, and John was snoozing in a chair by the bed. _Thank God he isn't awake. _Sherlock though, shoving his sleeves over his wrists. His memory was blurry but he hoped John hadn't found the cuts and scars on his arms. He jumped a bit as he heard John yawn rather loudly. "Mmm... Sherlock? You're awake." John mumbled as he stretched his arms. He blinks a few times and looks me in the eye with a quite serious expression. "Now will you please tell me how you got those cuts and scars on your arms." He says sternly. Sherlock flinch and looked at him wide-eyed. "When...?" "You gave it away when you looked at your arms on the ride here." John responded flatly. "Now tell me."

Sherlock swallowed, loathing himself for letting himself give away his secret. He sat up straighter. "I did that to myself." John looked shocked. "No way! You couldn't ha-" "John, I did it myself!" John just sat there, wide-eyed and shocked."No..." "It's nothing, okay?" Sherlock looked away, sulking slightly. A look of hurt flashed across his face. "Sherlock...?" John asked worriedly. The hurt look instantly vanished. "Go." John looked puzzled, "What?" "Go. Just go." Sherlock grunted. John stayed where he was, "But Sherlo-" "GO!" Sherlock shouted at him, willing himself not to cry in front of the ex-soldier. Who knew what would happen if he let John see him cry.

John stood, began to reach for Sherlock, thought better of it, and walked out. Sherlock began to sniffle. "Why does it always have to be like this...?" He mumbled, tears beginning to fall down his face. He swiped at his eyes, trying to dry his tears. "I thought I was finally better than this..." Then he just broke down. All the pent up frustration and hurt bled out of Sherlock in tears, loud sobs emitting from the detective. He let his mind become a blur, thinking about nothing but how much he was hurting right now.

Suddenly John burst back into the room, out of breath. "Sorry Sherlock, I left my coa-" John froze when he saw Sherlock's tear-stained face. Sherlock noticed John and began swiping at his face, and eventually covered his face in his hands, hiding his face from him. "Sherlock, what's wrong...?" John asked in a soft tone, placing his hand on his shoulder. Sherlock snapped at him, batting John's hand off his shoulder. "Just leave me alone!" He sobbed. He couldn't quite stop crying. John shook his head and sat down next to Sherlock and leaned into a tight embrace with him. "No. Never again am I going to leave you alone. Last time I did, you jumped off the roof of this building." Sherlock resisted the contact at first, pushing at John's chest, but soon became too exhausted to care and let John hug him.

John stroked Sherlock's back. "It's okay. I'm here for you. You can cry in front of me. I won't mind. I won't treat you any differently. Just let it all out. I'll stay by your side forever." Sherlock nodded and let the tear flow, burying his face into John's shoulder. He tried to say 'Thank you, John.' but all that came out was a choked sob. John patted his back. "Sshhh... don't talk..." John himself resting his head on Sherlock's shoulder. "I'm here for you."

xXx

Soon after Sherlock's tears had dried, he pulled back and kissed John on the cheek. "Thank you, John" He whispered into John's ear. "For everything." John smiled and kissed him on the cheek in return. "I'll never leave your side ever again, Sherlock. I promise to it." But Sherlock knew somewhere deep inside that part of that statement wasn't true. He wouldn't just up and divorce Mary for him, even if he knew it wasn't good for him. And that still hurt him.


End file.
